for almost a week now, i have been pondering deeply on the most painful experiences that i had gone through these 17 years of existence here in this very uncertain world. this painful wondering, i think, was caused by someone who reminded me of a very painful happening that happened some 2 years ago. that person reminded me of how painful that certain happening was and how it made me so fragile that i could hardly compose myself. i don't know why that very powerful wave of nostalgia hit me. i mean, why remind me now? now that i have almost forgotten that grave experience. and how that experience really broke my heart.</3

now, because of this thing that is bothering me so hard, let me pour out my thoughts ang feelings.. a letter to that person who reminded me of everything.

dear you,

i hate you for reminding me the most painful feeling and at the same time making me happy by your mere presence; because of that, i love you for reminding me that i am human. capable of feeling pain and happiness. i hate you for coming into my life and i love you for being a very powerful driving force for me to strive hard. "i would have given you all of my heart, but there's someone who's torn it apart." and that person has just taken all that i have.. "baby i'll try to love again but i know, the first cut is the deepest." i hate you for making me want to love you but i love you for making me feel like loving you. i guess this is the most painful part of one's life. deciding whether it is right to love again after a very painful "damage".

but all through these, i still hate you more. i hate you more than i love you. i know, no matter how hard i try, you won't love me back. and that would be the second saddest thing in my life. loving you but never having you.

now i know that we really can't have all the good things that we want in life. i'll just continue hating you, hoping that one day i'll wake up having no feeling for you anymore. i know it's sad but just let me. let me love you away. let me feel all the love that i have for you until i feel no love at all. let it drain from me because i know nothing that i could do would make you love me back. i love you.

-don

rain. the past 5 days that i came back here in iligan from the christmas vacation has been rainy. when it rains so hard, it eventually becomes cold. the coldness makes me long for warm hugs. i miss the times when there's still someone who hugs me so tight that i feel all the warmness, wiping all the coldness away. its so sad now. i'm alone. and i think that only a few people cares about me. few people who cannot always be there for me when i need them because of the distance that greatly separates us. i miss you my friends. help me for i am slowly drowning in this hopeless sea of love and sadness. 

the most painful way of living. waking up early in the morning shivering to the cold wind that blows. looking for some warmness to envelope you but no matter how hard you try, you fail to find the warmness you greatly need.</3