bondie,

first of all, you are not supposed to let anybody read this. next is that, after reading this, i hope you won't hate me or anything related to that.

june.

i was pushed into the world of "school service". that is when i knew you. the first time i came across you, you were nothing but someone who doesn't have anything that i would like or whatsoever. next encounter was the same; only now i noticed something that i was not able to see last time. your teeth. one thing weird about it is that your not-so-large-but-still-large teeth seem to take my attention. that is when i knew that i would eventually fall for you. strangers became casual friends.

july.

this time, i was struggling hard focusing on whatever i was doing whenever you are around. we talk.. sometimes. and everytime that happens, i would have a hard time focusing on what to say next, thanks to your uber distracting teeth. i have now accepted the fact that i was in love with your teeth and it seems that i was slowly falling in love with your nose. yep, you read it right, your nose. that thing you got that has two little holes seem to have pulled the attention i gave to your teeth. funny, isn't it? i am in love with your body parts. we became better friends.

august.

thanks to your ever wonderful presence; this time, i was already having a hard time sleeping. i can't even survive a night without texting you (with hopes of receiving replies from you, of course). this month made it very hard for me to stop thinking of you. every morning when i wake up, the first thing that i think of are the night practices that we have. i always look forward to those practices in which i will see you. you may think that i am just having the usual infatuation stage on you. on the contrary, i think i'm slowly falling into obsession over you (now i'm overstating).  i was still in love with your body parts (sounds awkward, doesn't it?) but this time, i was also in love with the whole you. now, i started to become very interested in everything about you. i asked a lot of questions and you answered them honestly (well i think not in all questions, but i think you were honest in most of them). still, i love you for everything you have. i tried to look for negatives, i failed.

september.

i was deeply in love with you. i left someone for you (even though i knew that you can't love me back).

october.

i told you i love you.

november.

i still am loving you.

~happy birthday!! you reached the turning point from puberty to adulthood. you are old now!! haha.. try lang nako hadlukon ka na tigulang naka. thank you for the friendship that you gave me. it has been a very wonderful one and i hope it won't be lost. grabe ka struggle. mao na ako always gina-ingon dba? hehe.. napura ko og english oi.. kay birthday man nimo, expected jud na naa jud  wish para sa imo. my wish(es) for you are: (1)for you have all the wonderful things you desire (2) good health (3) happy life (4) safety (5) wonderful lovelife!! hehe.. apil jud baya dapat nang lovelife.. kay love makes the world go 'round man daw.. hehe. anyway, i hope you have a great time celebrating your 20th birthday!!

i <3 you..Ü

don

some of my friends are getting angry with me.. hm. i know that they are angry with me even if they don't say it straight to my face.. i'm not that numb or clueless or stubborn to not to notice..

i think (and i'm pretty sure) that the reason why they are annoyed/angry/irritated/i-don't-know with me is that i have this new set of friends that i go with most of the time for the past few days.. i'll only say one thing.. you have no right to get angry with me for that very simple reason.. you might think that they are misleading me to do bad things.. things that are not supposed to be done by me.. i say they show me what the real world is and that i should learn to cope up with it, now. going with these new set of friends doesn't mean that you are not my friends anymore.. you cannot expect me to go with you all the time.. you wanting me to stick with you always is possesive..

hope you understand me..

erase all the laughter and relaxation that i had last christmas. 2007 is very hectic for me so far. i really can't understand why i'm being so neglectful of my tasks now. i'm starting to panic and the red alert is very very fast approaching.

i stil have this assignment to finish for english2. i'm not done with my bibliography; i haven't started making my note cards. all i did was the outline of my not-so-interesting-topic for my term paper. i'm planning to discuss about how the society and heredity could cause schizophrenia.. enough said.

i'm not done with my chemistry lab report. and that was due last friday. rarr! i'm starting to hate myself once again. no, i'll try hard not to.

~notice that my blog has a new face. i just want it to look retro.. or something like that.

-end-

for almost a week now, i have been pondering deeply on the most painful experiences that i had gone through these 17 years of existence here in this very uncertain world. this painful wondering, i think, was caused by someone who reminded me of a very painful happening that happened some 2 years ago. that person reminded me of how painful that certain happening was and how it made me so fragile that i could hardly compose myself. i don't know why that very powerful wave of nostalgia hit me. i mean, why remind me now? now that i have almost forgotten that grave experience. and how that experience really broke my heart.</3

now, because of this thing that is bothering me so hard, let me pour out my thoughts ang feelings.. a letter to that person who reminded me of everything.

dear you,

i hate you for reminding me the most painful feeling and at the same time making me happy by your mere presence; because of that, i love you for reminding me that i am human. capable of feeling pain and happiness. i hate you for coming into my life and i love you for being a very powerful driving force for me to strive hard. "i would have given you all of my heart, but there's someone who's torn it apart." and that person has just taken all that i have.. "baby i'll try to love again but i know, the first cut is the deepest." i hate you for making me want to love you but i love you for making me feel like loving you. i guess this is the most painful part of one's life. deciding whether it is right to love again after a very painful "damage".

but all through these, i still hate you more. i hate you more than i love you. i know, no matter how hard i try, you won't love me back. and that would be the second saddest thing in my life. loving you but never having you.

now i know that we really can't have all the good things that we want in life. i'll just continue hating you, hoping that one day i'll wake up having no feeling for you anymore. i know it's sad but just let me. let me love you away. let me feel all the love that i have for you until i feel no love at all. let it drain from me because i know nothing that i could do would make you love me back. i love you.

-don

rain. the past 5 days that i came back here in iligan from the christmas vacation has been rainy. when it rains so hard, it eventually becomes cold. the coldness makes me long for warm hugs. i miss the times when there's still someone who hugs me so tight that i feel all the warmness, wiping all the coldness away. its so sad now. i'm alone. and i think that only a few people cares about me. few people who cannot always be there for me when i need them because of the distance that greatly separates us. i miss you my friends. help me for i am slowly drowning in this hopeless sea of love and sadness. 

the most painful way of living. waking up early in the morning shivering to the cold wind that blows. looking for some warmness to envelope you but no matter how hard you try, you fail to find the warmness you greatly need.</3

i cannot really tell myself why people become lonely every now and then.. no matter how hard we try to stay as happy as possible, we still become sad. we laugh hard.. i mean majority of us do. bad thing is that we people tend to easily get over happiness than loneliness.. the main thing is.. we let loneliness stay longer than happiness.. oh c'mon.. now i'm blabbing about something i can't really defend if questioned by people who would somehow read this entry..

i, too, get sad.. who doesn't? its normal and expected of us humans to cry sometimes.. even those who seems to be very "positive-perspectived" also cry. i don't know.. maybe the human heart is specially designed to balance everything.. blood to and from the heart; happiness and loneliness..

~

i have finally decided to become a cardiosurgeon someday.. i don't know.. i just have this intense(wow) interest on the human heart.. i want to learn everything about it.. with a little hope of somehow finding the answer to the ever famous question of the heart's involvement to people falling in love.. does it or does it not play a large role in developing love?

*i'm twisted 'coz one side of me is telling me that i need to move on; on the other side i wanna break down and cry..*

i pains me so much to discover that people find it very difficult to move on after a freakinly useless love affair.. what i mean is.. what the hell is there to stay? would it really make things better if you keep holding on even if you yourself know that you can't hold on any longer? pain brought about by love makes almost everybody go insane! makes them suffer.. suffer to the point of breaking down and finally deciding to die instantly without even thinking that there are a lot of better opportunities outside waiting.. i know this sucks.. i just can't figure out what things to blab about..

the past few months that i have been living "fakely" turned out to be something genuine.. many unexpected things were done and new friends met.. i say, my life has been less boring than the usual and the thoughts of suicide have successfully left my inane mind.. yes, suicide.. not because my life is so full of problems but rather my life is so0oo00o uneventful that i'd rather die than continue living.. some things are better left undone.. not! things are supposed to be acted upon.. not left alone expecting it to be obliterated suddenly by some force that cannot be easily comprehended.. i know i'm ranting.. just let me. i just have this rare urge to write about anything that comes to my disorganized mind. now that i have mentioned it, my cor is still not organized.. i still have this pe to drop and another pe to add.. you know, just to transfer sections you still have to go through that complicated process.. why is life so centered on having to undergo through a systematic process? what i'm trying to say is that going through these processes does not make things better.. they just complicate them more. just another thought came to my mind.. i wanna be rich.. it pains me so much thinking about the things that i cannot do without money.. don't get me wrong on this.. its just that i want to live better than my present life.. oh well, i think i'm being too materialistic on this thougt.. hehe. chem 16.2 sucks.. uhm.. what i mean is.. i hate my chem 16.2 class.. aside from staying inside the lab for 3 lo0o0ong hours, i do not know a single person in my class (well, except for my teacher though).. i'm a freshman taking up general biology.. and i'm being mixed up with sophomores taking up physics.. c'mon!! why does it have to be them? their mental capacity is way to0o0o high for me to take.. physics student are intelligent, no doubt.. and i'm freaking out because i feel so out of place and dumb.. i'm curious.. why did those people take up physics and not biology? haha!!! maybe they're not like me.. i suck at physics.. maybe they don't.. or maybe, just maybe.. those people are just looking for something very challenging.. so shallenging that, maybe at some point, will require them to bang their heads on the wall until their cerebrospinal fluids come oozing out of their ears!! what a morbid me.. haha!!! anyway.. i still got some few things to focus on.. like texting and making some sense with my life.. hehe.. so ciao for now everybody!!

i suddenly have this urge to post an entry about our cwts class.. we went to timoga spring pools to have our life saving training.. at first, we had this problem with the msu-iit administration not granting us the permission to have our training.. what? what are they trying to tell us? that they designed a special cwts class of lifesavers that do not have any experience in water training? but that problem was solved after a few minutes of hardcore deliberation.. haha!!! yep.. hardcore..

(ugh! here i am again.. suddenly i lost the urge to write this entry.. but i am determined to finish this one.. so, ehem..)

then, some of my classmates went home.. dunno why. they just went home.. majority of us remained and started our training.. first up: wahas to the hardcore power na warm up.. as in like we started our warm up with 100 jumping jacks, 30 minutes stretching, 50 sit-ups, 40 push ups(which i did not fininsh.. like duh.. look at me..) then we jogged around the olympic size pool 20 times.. then some hardcore stretching again.. then we finally started the much awaited training.. next: breathing exercises.. we had our partners assigned to us. i'm #20 and my partner was #08. i mentioned the numbers because i forgot the name of my partner.. we were asked to hold the ankles of our partner and stay that way for as long as we can take(which, ladies and gentlemen, was very difficult to do..) i managed to stay submerged for 1 min and 7 secs. too bad.. i was one of those who surfaced first.. haha!! next: types of floats.. i love this part.. i did everything, from turtle float to jellyfish float to dead man float to frontal float, perfectly.. hoooray for me!!! fourth: this part was my hatest part.. hatest huh?Ü i hate this part the most because they made us swim under water up to the other end.. how unlucky can i get? ugh! as expected, i did not reach the other end without my back floating on the surface.. ugh!! 5th: freestyle swimming.. hooooray again for me!! i finished the whole length of the pool without stopping..Ü and i tell you, for me, it is something to be really proud of...Ü

*lunch break

after some fulfilling lunch, we resumed with the training.. this time, the types of lifesaving approaches..  the frontal approach, rear approach, and the underwater approach.. one thing that surprised me is that i found the underwater approach the simplest of the 3 approaches.. hmm.. weird me.. next: escape techniques.. these techniques are used when the person you are saving grabbed you.. it's just normal because the only thing that is in the victim's mind is how to get some air and survive.. thus, it is our previlege, yes previlege, to worry over them than ourselves.. that is, the lifesaver gets the bottom part of the pool, applying our breath holding skills just to give the victim air to breath.. back to the different kinds of holds.. the arm lock, the frontal hold, and the rear hold.. hmm.. arm lock is when the victim grabs your arm and hold real tight that you find it very difficult to perform the lifesaving.. frontal hold is when the victim embreaces your neck(victim in front of you).. rear hold is just the opposite of front hold(duh!).. performance of the escapes composed of the 3 holds.. first, the victim will grab our arm.. when we have already managed to escape, they will do the front hold.. then the rear hold.. good thing i did it very well.. haha!!! (instructor: "very well 20...") haha!!!

the culminating activity was when we were asked to jump off the 10-foot high platform down to the sixteen feet water below us.. this activity gave us an idea as to how we jump off a ship when the captain declares abandonment.. haha!!! silly.. boys are told to grab their crotch and cover their face.. girls simply places arm under their breasts while covering the face.. we all looked sooooo funny when we did this.. as in major!!! ahahaha!!!

we ended up closer to one another after that.. hehe.. what a boring ending..

yeah.. you read it right.. i am drunk right now.. drunk.. because of the growing hatred towards this one person whom i have been hating for a couple of years now.. f*ck!! why in the world would that person be involved in my freakin' life? the hell!! i love the taste of red horse beer.. the best beer there is in the Philippines... am glad that i can still write on this blog despite the fact that i am, as what i have said earlier, drunk.. although i find it hard to focus immediately on the things that i look at, still i am able to do the  things that normal (not drunk) people do.. enough.. much has been said.. the main purpose of this entry is to deliver a one-line message..

f*uck you!!! you know who you are..

i just want to talk.. blab about anything that is on my mind.. anything that would somehow satisfy my need for self expression because these past few days were so i don't know that i found myself overwhelmed with the ideas and emotions that i was not able to express.. starting off with the 72/84 score in the 2nd departMENTAL exam on chemistry 15. i say that the exam was not that difficult compared to the past few ones.. my mistakes were somewhat 100% carelessness and false information.. false information eh? yeah. very FALSE information.. theres this masteral student/ teacher named .... i think it is not bad for me to say that he is responsible for the 2 point deduction that i got on the exam. he told us in his lecture the day before the departMENTAL exam that the trend for electronegativity and electron affinity are the same. he even made this table in which it shows the periodic trends across each period and down each group. i so believed him because of his reasons that sounded so reasonable. then the next day i took the exam. i found out 6 days later that electronegativity and electron affinity do not have the same trends. oh damn. i tried to reson out because that is what sir te told us. then sir te told me to just refer to our book. two words.. fuck you! next up, mr. and ms. cass. cass stands for college of arts and social sciences. the search was doing just fine until this stoooopid candidate did a hilarious thing. it was during the announcement for the top 3 candidates for mr. cass. the anchor said "next person in the top three is candidate number 5!!!" then out came candidate number 1. wtf! hang yourself to death dude. that was the most stupid thing a candidate in a pageant could do. haha. all i do now is eat and eat.. and eat and eat. i still am wondering why i don't get fat. well i think it's one of those things that could not be explained by science.. haha!! what a pathetic statement from hilariously stupid person like me.. i love the way that i perform in my chem 15.2 class. i so love the way fantasia sang the song i believe during the finals of american idol season 3. i think no other performance could outshine that one. i love the sweetness of the pineapples that are sold at 5 pesos a pack outside our boarding house. i so despise that freakinly stupid security guard at the front gate of our school. don't want to blab anymore.. i'm outta here..

i think everyone from my batch is turning into someone i don't know. they changed, if not drastically, a little. don't get me wrong about this. even i, i'm pretty much sure that i changed a little. i am writing about this because i find it really hard to accept the fact that my friends will never be the same again as i last remembered them to be.. oh damn.. i so hate myself for feeling this way..

i miss the times when teetin would call me late at night just to chika and sometimes confide her ill feelings about the people around. i miss the times that my roomates would wake me up in the middle of the night because my fone is ringing, only to hear a crying teetin. i miss the times when that shit happens.. she cries.. later on i can make her laugh like crazy.. i miss sharing my happiness to my closest friends..

i miss the times when sara and i would speak the same words.. that is, with the same intonation, same wahas delivery, all at the same time.. hmm.. i wonder how my gmta is doing at up right now.. i really miss her.. i miss the overnights at her house.. my ever beloved media room where i find solemnity and peace.. haha!! i miss her cartwheels and splits and the oasi practices that we attended together..

i miss my insan.. i miss her oh-so-poised movements.. i miss the times when we would talk about going to sm, and finding myself riding a taxi on the way to sm the next day.. i miss the way irene talk some sense into me.. the times when she would rant about my attitude towards a thing... later on i would realize that irene was right, that i had been so inconsiderate to their feelings.. that all i did was think about myself, not thinking about how they would feel.. i miss the times when we would play dance revo.. i miss the free tokens and the free fare and everything that comes along with irene..

i miss the lloyd that i had been friends with from freshmen field day.. i miss the times when he would make us laugh our hearts out.. i miss his sosy-high personality.. yes, even that.. i miss my vanity mode.. that is, through his ever accomodating cellphone.. i even miss the times when he would be so sad for days, and then suddenly becoming happy.. forgetting the sad things that he felt almost immediately.. i miss lloyd.. my healthiest friend.

i miss this beautiful girl that i had shared friendship with since second year.. i miss her sweet voice and good thoughts.. i miss her baking powers, the cookies and cakes that she made.. one would really think that they came from red ribbon after tasting her pastries.. i miss her bopol moments.. the times when she would just laugh like crazy over some joke that are not that funny.. oh.. how i miss toni..

this.. this is the very reason why i'm feeling this way.. the thought of not experiencing these things again with my closest friends.. no matter how people assure me that these things could still happen again, i still find it hard to believe.. i hate it when i'm feeling retarded.. when i suddenly find myself reminiscing the past.. the past that, no matter how hard i try, could not happen again. :'c 

i miss this sanctuary.. i miss writing all my emos and sentis here.. i think i should have written the things that i have been up to lately.. well.. uhmm... here i am again.. cannot think of any word to describe my happiness.. uhm.. make that.. loneliness..

fuck this life!!! i so0o0o fuckin' hate that stupid history 1. like, hello!! what in the world did i do to deserve an 18/45 score?!?!?! like duh, why can't you agree with what i say on my essays.. i would love to kill this bullshit that is making my life so miserable.. shit.

i am telling you now people that i am slowly losing my mind in this goddamn institution.. what's their problem ba? why can't they just let people be? i mean, bakit andaming pakialamero at pakialamera sa iit? i'm not saying this based on my experience.. i am saying this because of what i have observed during the past few weeks of my stay here..

the only sanctuary that is left for me to hide is this blog.. hope you people understand my sentiments.. i could really use your support and kind words...

'till next time..

its been a long time since i last updated this blog.. uhmm.. not really that long.. what i mean is that i have not written a long entry since april.. april 5 to be exact..

it has been 4 months now since i last saw pisay.. since i last saw my friends.. to tell you the truth, i still find it very difficult to accept the existing fact that i will not see them for months.. it is so hard to be in this situation. i started hating myself because of this---> "for not being in up".

more than a month now.. college. i found some friends. i like them... a lot. bs bio(gen) is the best block there is. i am not biased in saying this because some of the people from other courses say that they really like our group.. ehm.. thank you very much for that!Ü

i am in the college of science and mathematics. same holds true for anya. marl belongs to the college of engineering. kristine is in the school of computer studies. we seldom meet, and when we do, all we could say to each other is hi and hello.. hmm.. sad.

to tell you the truth, i am not in the mood to write a long entry now.. i want to tell all of you people out there the things that are happening to me now.. you know what, i am currently in a state that is somewhat low.. i don't like to be alone, but i'm often alone. i don't want to eat, but my parents tell me to eat a lot.. i want to become fatter, but i don't even gain a single effin' pound.. you know, i really don't see the point of eating.. i eat a lot, but i don't get fat! what the f*ck! where do the food that i eat go? into oblivion? into nowhere. people here are so0o trying hard.. many of them are trying hard to be so fashionable that they end up being funny to look at. the security guards are so dumb.. signs of no smoking are posted everywhere but then they don't even try to stop you whenever they see you smoking inside the campus. so0o useless. i want to be part of some extra-curricular groups here in skul but grades and academics won't let me. i can't even forget them for just minutes. but i know i will be able to join into one of them when i have fully adjusted in this all new environment.

i think that's enough for this entry.. i can't stay any longer.. i still have to die.. and will try to live again.

i died. don't worry,  i'm  trying to live again..

i look back on the times when we were happy.. you and me, nothing matters.. i care for you and you for me.. love; always present..

i kept my promises.. you treated me cold.. i don't mind anyway.. you continued being cold.. i did not show you how i really feel.. it is not right for me to act this way.. i hate my pride.

i wish i could hold you forever. bringing back the good old times. you and i, in each other's arms.

but you broke my heart.. induced pain on my very fragile psyche.. i hated you for that.

you left me with nothing but pain. we were together; in an instant it all became memories.. i was alone; hiding behind the shadows of anger. you caused this..

i wanted you to bleed.. bleed until all your blood drains out.. die.